In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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