no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
