Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I deserve this hangover.
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