i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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