Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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