I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
3pm strippers are depressing
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize
