I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
