Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize