"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
