You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
