i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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