summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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