just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm always down for nudity.
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