You're my little dorito
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Randomize
