Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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