I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
