I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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