I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
