You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
