I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
