My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Less talking, more tequila
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
