I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
