the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
