did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
