I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
