WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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