Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Randomize
