Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize