Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Fuck appropriateness.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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