I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize