Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
