Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
