she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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