Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
