Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
