Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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