I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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