he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
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