i just had sex bonerless
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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