I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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