No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Holy sore nipples Batman
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I'm both gender and math confused
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
