I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
thus making me awesome and them whores
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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