See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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