I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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