He disabled his match.com account in front of me
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
