Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
