I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Pants are for mortals
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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