Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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