dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
