what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
