can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
