i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
