i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
