i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
