Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
