Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
